| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2004|06:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
i think i am going to put a date and "i love you" in MY profile...so i can be cool too...
maybe i'll fuck everyone up and put something like:
13-03-04
or
5-21-08
or
04-21-50
or
1-03-02
...oops...that one was already used once
ok, how 'bout
1-05-04
...shit, that has been used too...
hmm...i need something that signifies my love life in 3 (xx -xx -xx) sections:
i know...
R - I - P |
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| anonymous...oh really? |
[Jun. 12th, 2004|03:14 pm] |
ok, so i really despise anonymous posts. i know, they are with good intentions...but i really really really am a very VERY curious person. so, introduce yourself, please. i have a couple people in mind of who it could be anyway...so save me some trouble and say hi.
at any rate, going to pride down in boston. i know...very random. but laura wanted to so i am going for the ride (even though i think i am driving)...me, fuller, and laura...sounds like a roadtrip to me. (EDIT: didn't go to pride...got too late too fast. so we got a bite to eat and headed over to lauren's for a few drinks) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2004|10:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
someone get me out of this hole...please. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2004|09:31 pm] |
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i really wish you could see how much this hurts me...how much you hurt me. |
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| 5:32 am |
[Jun. 5th, 2004|05:31 am] |
you know it's a good sign that it is going ot be a good morning when you cough a little too hard and puke a little...
...and work
(shoot me) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2004|04:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | shh...it's our little secret CD | ] |
i don't know what i would do without my friends...
i'd probably be face down in a ditch somewhere. or worse...
so yeah...annonymous posts make me nervous...whoever posted it, please, expose yourself...lol...i'm a very curious person...
ps- the lesbian mafia of plymouth state makes me happy |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2004|03:27 am] |
i really wish the mafia was here right now...i could really go for a round of hugs. FUCK...i knew is hould have stayed home. but i did have a good time playing pool for hours...
somehow, i see this as not all bad...i got to see her true colors
...too bad they are as dark and rusty as her heart... |
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| from one broken heart to the heartless... |
[Jun. 4th, 2004|02:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
club night...everyone's playin' pool...and you walked in with her. for a second my heart stopped dead in its tracks and sank to the pit of my stomach. you came over to say hi...with no eye contact from me to her. you played it cool, like all players do. (yes, i have begun to realize you played me) you left, satisfied with the half ass hug we both weren't sure would be there. but it was...empty as all hell. should i have expected more? no...i got what i figured would be given. and then you came back again to "start shit with karen" as you so intellectually put it to someone. i bent down to take my shot and you grabbed my ass...apparenlty a stare from me did not move you or your stubborn mindset. so, an awkward "can you move please" did the job. were you satisfied at that? of course not. later you asked me if i still loved you. again, you were not satisfied with me and my "you want me to answer you...with her here?" response. interuptions piss you off and you become a queen size bitch. and that is exactly what happened. so i thank you for pulling me away from a couple people who merely wanted to say hi. i thank you for not listening to me when i told you, "you don't have to be a bitch about it." and i thank you for shoving me in front of everyone. but most of all...most of all courtney...i thank you for ripping me apart with your words and dry bitter sarcasm. your hurtful words will ring louder than the many times you said "i love you." so, i thank you for showing me that you will treat me like a piece of shit...just like you said you never would. and thank you for making it so clear that you are, without a doubt, the biggest fucking player, asshole and bitch that i have ever come in contact with. i'm just sorry i had to fall for you as hard as i did...or i might actually say that i wish i had never fallen in the first place. it's not an easy fall when the one that is supposed to catch you was the one at the top to push you off the edge.
a little free-write...from me...to you
i have found myself spooning the pillows, making an artificial love. go on with your lines. be the player you dream of being. fuck her, fuck me over. as long as you get to fuck, everything's gonna be ok. shove me again and i'll take it like the last...with an added tear on my cheek. "getting your kicks out" might as well be literal, falling on my body...it would be less painful than the emotional blows on my heart. what makes me any different from everyone else? i used to think plenty...but you have proven that i AM just like everyone else. i am just as easy to throw away. so tonight i burned your pictures and warmed my hands with the flames. i watched our past flicker away to a dead pile of ash. you have given me every reason to believe that for the past 3 years i have been nothing but your fuck toy backup. your words and actions have done enough to me. you have made an innocent girl hate the fact that love exists. be satisfied with your accomplishment. please, be satisfied now. i could do what you have done, take personal anguish and use it as leverage. i could rip your heart apart without the hope of it ever healing. but i won't...because i have the morals you lack. i have the pride in myself you have lost. and to be honest, right now i really don't think you even have a heart to destroy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2004|01:26 pm] |
ANGER (oh this should be fun)
1. Who did you last get angry with? Courtney
2. What is your weapon of choice? my words (which haven't been as harsh and hurtful as i'd like them to be right now)
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? phys. violence is not my cup of tea (hurts more if your scar them emotionally)
4. How about of the same sex? same as above
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? i don't know...but guess is, Courtney
6. What is your pet peeve? people who lie, cheat, and in general fuck people over without giving it a second thought
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? i try not to, but sometimes it is a must to remind yourself not to make the same mistakes twice...or 3 times...or 4 times...or....
SLOTH (i'm lazy and i know it)
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a while? floss
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 3pm, i think
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? Jill
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? "i'm too tired"
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? pff...NO...those things annoy the fuck out of me
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? don't ask...there's a reason i'm a tank ass...
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? i didn't because foster swung by and woke me up at 11...but usually i hit it at least twice
GLUTTONY (i'm not too bad with this...i don't think........let's find out)
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? $2 ice coffee (i'm cheap)
2. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? i don't know...some nights i can take it, some nights i can't...the last time i had straw. daq. i consumed 3 blender fulls, or my two 1/5 bottles of parrot bay on kami's 21st, or the night i had about 12 shots and puked forever...i don't know?
3. Have you ever used a professional diet company? yes...look at me go...they really helped...*obscene gesture*
4. Do you have an issue with your weight? about 95% of my thoughts throughout the day consists of me hating myself because of my weight...do you think i have an issue with it? *again...obscene gesture*
5. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? too much sweet needs salty to balance and vice versa...too much spicy gives me the shits...so whatever i stuff my fat face with...i do it anyway
6. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought food? i may be a big girl, but no...not i haven't
LUST (lust...i wish i had lust...)
1. How many people have you seen naked? stark ass naked? one
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? all the time...i'm weird like that
4. Have you "done it"? "done it"?...what are we in jr high? but yes, i have...*no comment*
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? eyes, smile, good calf muscles (i know...weird...but it's hot)
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? i wish...jk...no, i haven't
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? have i ever had to? no...will i? yeah.......and pregnancy? well, let's just say when i get that question "is there a possibility you could be pregnant" at the docs office, i just laugh
GREED (hmm...tough one...)
1. How many credit cards do you own? zero
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Newbury Comics
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? Pay off college loans (bastards), pay off my bro and sister's loans, take care of my parents, and a reasonable/ modest car (i don't need anything fancy...MUNZBNZ's newer sister maybe)
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? neither...i want to live comfortably...but famous for my art work and/ or short stories would be nice too
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? cheesy, i know...but i'd rather do something i love and look forward to
6. Have you ever stolen anything? i was a good little clepto in my prime...but nothing froma store like merchandise (just stupid random shit)
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? don't download
PRIDE (i'm here...i'm queer...now stop staring, fuckers!)
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? getting ALSO an office int he HUB and in general being a good person (i'd like to think at least)
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? my artwork and being openly gay and educating people
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? lose 100 lbs (in my dreams...only in my dreams)
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? in softball? yes...i get very competative in softball...anything else? nah, it's cool. i got to particiapte at least
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? not really...nothing is a given
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? pff...hello...high school...all that needs to be said (i don't do it anymore though because i have some pride in myself)
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? brought lauren an ice coffee to her work :)
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? a car...any car
2. Who would you want to go on "Changing Rooms" with? say again?
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? i'd be my cat...i know, not a person...but i'm the one filling this stupid survey out and i'll do it whicever way i please
4. Have you ever been cheated on? depends on who you ask...cheated on when we were actually going out? like "official gf's"? i don't think so (but who really knows?)...but mentally and emotionally, we've been going out for almost 3 years. but that has pretty much ended with a screeching hault because she decided to *CENSOR CENSOR CENSOR*...ugh...
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? all the time...:'(
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? skinny genes...and jeans, but those aren't inborn (and at times, i wish heterosexualtiy...but i don't kow if that classifies as a "trait"...i don't know if genes does either........but that's what i want)
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? no...and fuck you for preying on helpless, bored ans pathetic addicts to LJ
8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? murder...jk...i don't know...pick one for me and i'll just agree.... |
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| emo-licious |
[Jun. 2nd, 2004|03:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | - Dash - | ] |
listening to Dash and clenching my broken heart...
yes...still broken...
:-[
(god, i am such a fucking pathetic emo kid sometimes...*shrugs* meh)
all is good, because my cumm GPA is 3.03...so that's fine *SB hand gesture*
aww....SB...aww...PSU...AWW!!! I MISS MY GIRLS!!!
(ps- i still hate dunkins...but will be better once i get paid) |
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| oh, and uh...one more thing... |
[May. 29th, 2004|12:09 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | - please refer... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ...to the post below - | ] |
(Written by my too young to be so old neighbor Jessie)
"...I won't be through until I have the courage to let go. And while you're sculpting diamonds in the sky. Diamonds in her eyes. I pull a petal off for each time I held my breath. And I fade into the blue...just fade into the blue."
"I'm not ashamed of who I used to be, but what I am today. Mirror images scrape my soul dry. I find myself at a loss for words, poking holes through all my dreams. Imagination seems so much easier. I can conjur up what I want to see. Slumber is my only escape, from the world I've created for myself."
i only wish i could have written those words...because they hit a fews things right on the nail.
UGH...crash and burn, kids....crash...and...burn....
PS- I start work on Sunday. Fuck me...soon there will be pissed off, depressed, psychotic (but still smiling), ZOMBIE Karen....YAY! Zombie Karen! 6am fuckers...I'll be cursing you all...
...oh, and don't forget to be nice to your local Dunkin's employees...wherever you are...they hate life as much as you do, if not more, so always smile and say thank you...it makes a difference........it really does. |
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| another late night...at least tomorrow i can sleep in... |
[May. 28th, 2004|11:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | - all the things in my head - | ] |
I don't know why I had this song stuck in my head...but I kept singing these lyrics over and over again...
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
- Goo Goo Dolls - "Iris"
(Thanks to Lauren for helping me remember who the band was) |
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| "what's in a name?..." |
[May. 27th, 2004|11:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | rejected | ] |
there seems to be only mocking birds in my tree...am i then accurate in concluding that they are merely mocking themselves? |
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| To: whom it may concern... |
[May. 27th, 2004|01:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | - la la land - | ] |
| [ | music |
| | - the rain outside - | ] |
Dear Somebody-
It's Karen. How's it goin'? I know I haven't talked to you in a long time, but...I kind of need your help. See, there's someone I really care about and she's hurting right now...because of me...because I felt hurt by her. I don't know how to make it up to her, or where I would even begin to apologize. Apologize for my feelings? No. Apologize for how I handled myself? Yeah, that sounds about right. I know I am not the best person for her right now, and perhaps that is why she thinks it's so easy for me to "walk away"...because in a way, I really think it is something I have to do. Why can't she see I am hurting too...why can't she understand that I feel ripped apart at the seams...why can't she see that I never meant to hurt her, and because of that, I get hurt in return...why can't she see that I am still the same person? I admit, I'm a little rusted around the edges...but I swear, deep down inside, I am still bright, pure, untouched and in love. So please, Somebody, tell her that the next time you see her.
Forever yours, Hopeless Romantic
--------------edit: not long ago, we were starting over...------------------
Dear Friend-
It's me...I'm sorry I am bothering you again. I'm just...not right tonight. I feel as if my soul has jumped out of my body. I could be wrong, but I think it's laughing at my struggles. I know I am not always there for you, but I need you right now. I need someone to lean on, to cry on, to hold on to. I need something to hold on to. If it is at all possible...please turn the lights back on, because I can't see where I am going. It scares me. I'd like to see the face of this invisible monster that lives inside my head. Will you help me find it? It's ripping apart my mind right now, but I can't seem to roll my eyes back enough to see it. What will it take to have my eyes roll back?...What will I have to do?
No, it's not like last time. It's not like my first semester away at college. It's not like all those pathetic poems written in highschool. It's new. I'm begining to know what it is, when it comes, when it goes...and I still can't do a god damn thing to change it, stop it, kill it. It's not like last time...every incident is new. Every feeling is felt for the first time...yet it feels so familiar. It's the stranger with a familiar face. Friend, I don't know what you can do, that you haven't done before...just know that i appreciate what you have done for me, and have had to withstand, thus far.
Regretfully yours, Cloudy Clarity
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear lots of Nyquil-
Knock me the fuck out, so I can actually get some sleep.
Ungratefully yours, Karen |
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| where did i go?... |
[May. 25th, 2004|01:33 pm] |
...no one shall ever know...
hey hey...wanna see a cool disappearing act? sweet...ready?
1.....
2.....
3......
and GONE!! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2004|05:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | - movin' out - | ] |
| [ | music |
| | whatever fuller is listening to | ] |
so i guess this i where i do my "end of the year" update...
but for some reason...i really don't feel like it all that much...but i'll do my best.
Kevin- I didn't know you as well as some of my friends, but I knew you enough to know what a great guy you were...and still are. You left too soon for our liking...but I know you are still with us...in our hearts and memories. RIP-5/20/04
realizing i haven't told those i love them enough. my family, my friends, my roommates, courtney (yes, you honey). i know you probably hate my guts right now...i know you're probably pissed off. but i didn't get to tell you i love you before we hung up the phone that last time. so, i love you. be a strong girl, like you have been. be successful, i know you have it in you. be happy, because you deserve it. be yourself and own it, because it's really the only we have in this world that can't be taken away. be safe.
SB- you're a wonderful person and an awesome roommate. i will miss the movie nights, popcorn fests, and late night butt breaks.
fuller, foster, kami, candice, bethen (you really don't know what you're getting yourself into next year, living in 107- lol), twist, christina, gina, carmen, jessie, highschool, jamie...and everyone else that has been there for me up in the plymouth area...you're all awesome people and i truly appreciate the friendships we have kept and created. i love you guys.
lauren and jay...i'll be home soon. no worries, kids...crazy manchvega$ crew will soon be together once again!
have a good summer everyone and be safe, please. we have a lot in front of us, let's make the best of it... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2004|08:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | MSI...surprised? | ] |
Beware me! For I am Karen, The ALL Knowing
all will come to know my wrath
muahahahahahahahahaha |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2004|07:00 pm] |
keepin' up with all the kids
keepin' up with all the kids
some, some other way
some other place i could be real important
now, not anymore, i'm just a bore
and you should be disappointed |
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| subject?...FUCK the subject...optional my fucking ass...don't let it fool you, kids... |
[May. 17th, 2004|06:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | FUCKIN' NUTS!!!!!!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | MSI mother fuckers!!!! | ] |
hey everyone!!!!!!!!!! hi...oh hey, what's up? yeah...oh yeah, i'm good. AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAdykeHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahaha yeah, uh yup. really? oh cool. so self loathing is cool? awesome, sign me the FUCK UP! FUCK UP! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i said FUCK UP. hmm...think there could be any hidden meaning behind that?? maybe...fuck up...oops...i fucked up...fuck up fucking up. hmm. irony. is it weird that i can make analogies connecting MY LIFE and SNOOD? hmm....I CAN DO IT! i can make the connection...and it makes sense in my head. hmm...wow...maybe ALL THE STRESS really HAS GOTTEN TO ME....hmm...................................................................................intersing...................................i gotta say....captain morgan's is the hottest man alive and he makes me happy. YEAH BITCHES! i said bitches...hhahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAiamabigfaggotfaggotfaggotfaggotHAHAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaZhahahahahazhahahahahahazhahahahahahah...i'm laughing...hehehehhehequeerhehehehehehee,..,....it's fun! YAY!!!!!!~!!!!!!!!ok time to do my fucking hw and do that whole self loathing thing...FUn TIMEs! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2004|09:37 pm] |
with the fighting, breaking up, not knowing if we can be friends and ONLY friends after breaking up, parents thinking i make you miserable at times, your PA countdown, birls posts and comments, missed calls (i admit, the last one was my fault)...maybe the best thing for you...is for me to not be in your life. call it walking away, call it what you will. i'm not walking away...i'm just not walking towards you anymore. yeah,, it hurts...yeah, it sucks. yeah, i'd like to rip my fucking heart out and throw it in the trash, because i know you'll see this and flip it around, front and back. watch out everyone...i'm the bad guy. i'm the one who ripped your heart. but song lyrics in lj posts and profiles have meaning...and lately they haven't been all too great for me. don't kid me and tell me i don't notice or i don't know. don't play with me and say it means nothing...nothing means everything after fights. maybe it just wasn't meant to be the way we planned it to. maybe i don't want to go so badly, i find myself doing it anyway...because i can't handle not being with you. maybe i'm obsessive. maybe i'm crazy. maybe i'm just so fucking fed up with wondering, hinting, guessing, and denying. i thought i made it clear today...let me know when to back off. well...by the way, people don't delete posts like that after something is said if they aren't true...i'm backing off.
"how does it feel to know your everything i need"
i'm happy for you that you have found someone you feel can "complete" you. go...be merry for all i fucking care. and for all i fucking care, call me selfish. you're right. i'm backing off so i don't get my heart crushed...again. i'm backing off so i don't fucking fall flat on my fat ass...again. i'm fucking backing off because i can't do this...again.
good luck, and take care of yourself. |
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